Somewhere in between
standing between what was, what is and what’s next
I was on my 6th mile in the Nike women’s marathon. 7.1 miles to go. The stretch of the run was beautiful. Music playing in my ears, trailing behind another woman that I paced well with which helped me keep going. The gift for finishing the race was a Tiffany Nike necklace that was handed over to me by a San Francisco fireman. Not bad.
On my last mile I remember feeling exhausted, cold and wet. Rain coming down and my path ahead foggy. My legs numb, I approached the last stretch to the finish line. The music in my head phones playing Halo by Beyoncé. With all I had, I kept going. I was almost there. I could hear the cheering claps, chills of excitement ran through my body as I approached the finish line. It was the most exhilarating feeling. I actually did it. I ran a half marathon in less than 3 hours. I was so proud of myself. When I was done I knew I would do this one more time. And I did. But the feeling I had compared to my first half marathon was different. I wasn’t as prepared and I ended up catching a cold a few days before the race. I finished the race. But I promised myself that was it. I was done running marathons.
I had a similar experience when I decided I finally wanted kids at 32. Just one, my husband and I both agreed. When I held my daughter in my arms, that was it. I knew I had to do this one more time. And I did. After the birth of my son. I was done having children.
There are things in life you do once, and some things you want to do again. A natural rhythm, the doing, the repeating, the proving. My life has always been like that, experiencing, always running to the next thing or trying to capture that moment one more time.
Life moves fast, we run, we push, we strive, we give, and then one day something in us decides it’s time to stop.
“I’m not running anymore. I am learning to rest in the space between what was and what’s next.”
Now, as I enter this new era, this place in-between, that feeling of “I could do this again” or “never again” doesn’t move me anymore.
I find myself somewhere between what’s behind me, what’s in front of me and what still waits ahead all mixed together in no particular order. There’s no urgency to sort it out or overthink it.
I keep hearing terms like “nervous system shutdowns” and “psychological rest.” Honestly, whatever you want to call it, I don’t care, but it feels good. I didn’t plan for this pause. As it stands right now, I don’t have the urge to pick up every little crumb that falls to the floor. I am not dashing around like the world is ending every single day like I had been. This unplanned pause is not mindfulness or self-care, it’s survival that has finally let me rest.
It’s like I’m on a long, beautiful road lined with fall leaves in every color, watching them drift behind me in the mirror. And for once, I just feel at peace. Not like I have to turn around and rake them all up. How did I get on this road? I am not trying to question it or give it a name. I am just living in it right now with no idea where I am going. And I am okay with that for once.
For me, this is what it means to stand somewhere in between what was, what is, and what’s next.
So for now as I rest, It isn’t in what I’ve done or what I’ll do next. I am learning to sit right here, sit still somewhere in between. I no longer feel that nudge of running to the next finish line or trying to relive a past exhilarating moment. I am just belonging to this moment. Things move slower now, and for once I’m not fighting it.
I don’t know what comes next, and maybe I don’t need to. The in-between is its own kind of destination: a place to rest, to breathe, to trust that the road ahead will reveal itself when I’m ready.
While I write about caregiving, not all of my stories are about the hard things. Some are like this. About what comes after or in between the spaces of my life where things settles down every now and then, and where I’m learning to simply just be.
Reflection for Today:
Where in your life are you learning to rest in the in-between?
Keep going. You got this.
Until next time, take care of yourself.
Xoxo - The Invisible Caretaker
PS. If this resonates with anyone you may know please like and share.
Beautifully done.
Beautiful thoughts .. somewhere in between is a good spot to be … sometimes we just need to breathe and “ re-group! 🥰