When Everything Feels The Same
Lately I’ve noticed how my days feel like I am living the same day over and over again.
I’ll admit I am quite structured, my day usually starts out the same. And somewhere in the back of my mind, I keep thinking I’ll wake up and something will be different. That something will change.
And yet this is the weird place I am in. Where it feels the same because I can’t quite recognize the change.
While many things in my life are different and changing in ways I didn’t expect or want, somehow it still feels the same. Like I am making no progress no matter what I do. And as someone who has always moved forward with change, this middle place feels unfamiliar. Like I am stuck in it, while it decides what to do with me.
I’ve never been one to sit too long in the “but I am trying” space. I’ve always believed you either do something or you don’t. If you want change, you move. You act. You become it. You can see and feel the change.
But I’ve realized something different. That no matter what you do, change doesn’t always equal progress. Because change isn’t always action. It’s also not always an option.
I’ve always measured myself against the past and how I’ve navigated change. But it’s different now. There is a middle part where it feels like nothing is moving. And for me, it’s not so comfortable. I liked the fast-paced changes of my life, my work, how things seemed to move quickly, steadily. And looking back, I would never have thought that someday I would miss the rolling, constant changes of my life. The parts that felt exciting and new.
But at the same time, I realize that I am not the same version of myself, even compared to last year. I can feel the change, and the funny part is, I didn’t have to work that hard for it, it just came. And this version of me is trying to accept it.
And that is the confusing part about all of this. I can’t fully explain it, especially when everything around me still feels the same.
The thing is, we all know that things are constantly changing and I am reminded of that when I look at my two beautiful kids. They’re on their own journey, traveling, learning, finding their way through the tides of life. There is a steady kind of change in them. You can see it. You can feel it. It’s not one big moment. It’s a constant movement forward.
And then there is me.
I see parts in my life that haven’t changed, that aren’t moving.
The ones I wake up to every day.
The ones I can try to change, but don’t have control over.
Things that keep coming back.
Things I thought were resolved and behind me, but still creep back in.
And that leaves me feeling like while the world is spinning, my life is stuck on replay.
It’s not necessary a bad thing, just a reminder that change doesn’t always look like we expect. And sometimes you can’t see it until its already passed and you look back.
If there is one thing we can be certain of, it’s that change will happen.
It will find you.
You can’t outrun it
You can’t hide from it or pretend it’s not there.
And maybe that is the part I am still trying to understand, that it’s asking me to sit for a minute and just be, instead of constantly thinking I need to feel the jolt of change.
As I move through this middle part of my life where it feels the same and nothing feels like it’s changing…
I know it is.
Even if it doesn’t feel like it.